Lonelier Than Before
by ashtondene
Summary: The truth about why Peyton returned to Tree Hill from L.A. Set at the end of Season 5. One Shot. Peyton POV.


Why did I come back??

Everyone has asked. I say nothing. Not because I am avoiding the question or the person who asks the question. Even though in reality, I am avoiding the question.

I just can't face why I came back, not yet. If I say it out loud, let alone to someone else, it will be real. It will be out, and I can never take it back.

I know at the bar I said I came back for Lucas. Not because it is true, but because it is what she expected to hear. Brooke had been waiting for me to say I was back for Lucas. She expected the love triangle between Lucas, Lindsey and I. So I lied. I took the easy way out, not letting Brooke, or anyone else in.

Then, she, Lindsey, left Luke at the altar. Shocking everyone, myself included. He said I do, she said I can't and left. But, not before she talked about a Comet returning and got everyone buzzing that he also still loved me. And now, I am left in this awkward, terrible position. I lied. I said I came back for him. I messed up. I hurt the one person I never wanted to hurt. God, I never wanted to see that pain in his eyes again. I find myself asking "What have I done". I took the easy way out. I was so selfish. Why did I lie? Why couldn't I just let Brooke in? Why couldn't I be honest?

I didn't come back for him. I did, and still do, regret saying no to him that night he proposed in L.A., it was a mistake. I should have said yes. I loved him. I loved him with all of my heart.

Just not as much as I loved myself and my dream.

Now thinking about it. I made the right decision saying no. I will always love Lucas. In an unexplainable, confusing, heart-wrenching way. But, I loved my dream more. I needed to see my dream come true. In

L.A. away from Tree Hill. He didn't understand that, not that I expected him too, Tree Hill is the place that reminds him of everything good in his life. But not me, Tree Hill is a constant reminder of the dark places in my life.

So my dream. Music. It had to happen. In L.A. I had to be in L.A.

If I was honest, I came back because I failed in L.A.

But I couldn't say that out loud. To anyone. I couldn't.

I had spent five years and gave up my entire life to try and make records. To see my dream come true. Something I had already done, quite successfully I might add, in Tree Hill when I was in high school. I had connections, I didn't need L.A. Luke knew I didn't need L.A., but I thought I did. I failed at something I had already been successful at because I was running. Running from the pain in Tree Hill. I didn't escape the pain, I lost Luke, and I failed.

But L.A. was an escape, just like music. It got me away from Tree Hill. Away from the bad memories. The two dead moms. A broken best friendship. A psycho stalker. Even Lucas.

The pain was still there, but at least the memories where only in my head, not every time I turned down the street or saw my childhood home. L.A. was my escape. I need L.A.

But when I told Lucas I wasn't ready, I didn't think he would walk out forever. People always leave. People always leave ME. People always leave me because I push them away…Nathan, Brooke, Lucas…And when Lucas left, my connection to Tree Hill, the good memories of my home, they left too.

An occasional call to Brooke here and there, that was all that was left of my lifetime in Tree Hill. And suddenly, in my tiny apartment in L.A., I wanted, no I needed Tree Hill. I loved the free concerts and meeting musicians and the _fast_ L.A. lifestyle, but none of it compared to the nostalgia that I yearned for in Tree Hill.

So, when the missing got to be too much, I turned to the one thing that made me hurt and took the pain away at the same time…_An Unkindness of Ravens_...and I broke down and called Brooke and told her I wanted to go home to Tree Hill. No explanation just that I wanted and needed to go back. Despite 

the broken fragment of a friendship we had, she still understood that I needed to go back, and I needed her by my side and that I needed to do it without telling her why.

So I returned to Tree Hill with my partner in crime by my side, five years later. Not knowing what to expect. And with no intent of telling why I returned.

But now, I am here in the middle of this mess with Lucas. Yes, I love Luke. Yes I regret that night, every day. But I never came back for him. I believe in fate and karma and that things happen for a reason. So while I regret it, I didn't come back for him. I love him too much to do that. But now Lindsey is gone and he hates me and everyone thinks we should be together, including Lindsey.

I should have told Brooke the truth. I should have been honest when I said why I came back. I am not in love with Luke, instead I am in love with the idea of being in love with him, and I am in love with what it was like when we were together. Both of us reaching for our dreams, him his novel and me my music, believing in one another. That is what I love about Luke. The past.

I came back because I failed. Because I was more alone than I had ever been before in L.A. surrounded by so many people. I was a face in the crowd. I was no longer the brooding, blonde cheerleader. Or the tortured artist. Or Luke's girlfriend. Or Brooke's sidekick. I was the mail girl.

Luke told the entire world I was going to be great. And I was no one.

So I came back…to be reminded of what it was like to be around people who thought I was great. People who knew me as more than the mail girl.

Selfish I know. Now things are a mess with Luke. And he is hurting. And so am I. Somehow I managed to devastate Luke for a second time. And again, I am alone. I was just trying to find myself, by being around the person who thought I was going be great. I know, I hear how selfish I am being, I just needed to know that I was not only someone, but someone with the ability to be great. But again, I have pushed him away. Just like before. Worse than before.

At least before, I was 3,000 miles away when I was alone. Now, I am just a few houses away and lonelier than I ever remember being.

I shouldn't have said I came back for him. In fact, I never should have come back.


End file.
